My Heart Is Coming With Me

Invitations
Flowers
Rings
Cake
Dresses
Tuxes

The list is endless.
Weddings are a very expensive pain in the you-know-what.
I've worried.
I've stressed.
I've cried.
Over one day in my life that will, no matter how many years go by,be the day that I marry Justin Haynes. It's a lot of hype and work for just one day. That's why some people choose not to do it, I suppose. It's one of those things that's hard to explain; kind of like parenthood. It's a lot of work but it's rewarding in an indescribable kind of way. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this whole marriage thing and well, frankly, it's very overwhelming. I'm no stranger to marriage. I know how hard it is and I know, to a certain extent, the kind of struggles that arise in a very short amount of time.

I'm also at a time in my life where I have friends who are married, but there are a few of those friends who are in less-permanent relationships, or are involved in relationships they wish they weren't or are still agonizing over the pain of losing their love. It's a hard, transitional part of life to be in. I didn't really think much into it until that one transitional moment, we've all had it, where we (the women) think to ourselves "Why do I want to marry him?"

Several years ago when I was asked that question, I had no answer but I played it off. I figured I wanted to marry him because I loved him and it was that simple. Hindsight is 20/20 I suppose because if I knew then what I know now, my decision would have been the opposite. When I asked myself that pivotal question, I had an answer so overwhelming it was hard to sort out.

I want to marry him because I love him.---that was my simple answer.
--Here's where it gets much more wordy--
I love him because.....and as I started to finish that sentence I realized I wanted him to marry him for one simple reason but that simple reason became much more complicated when I broke it down and it's the only "complicated" I've ever felt that made me feel good.

Can I live without him?--yes. Do I want to?--not ever
Can I picture my life without him?--yes. Can I picture my future without him?--not ever
Will I shatter into a million pieces if he's ever taken from me?--yes. Will anyone be able to pick them back and put them together?--not ever.
Is there anyone who will ever try to come between us?--yes. Will they succeed?--not ever.
Do we have a lot of growing to do?--yes Will we do it together?--yes
Am I ready?--yes Will I ever look back?--no

Confidence.
Support.
Faith.

Three things me, my family, him and his family and God helped me rebuild over the last few years.
It wasn't an easy process but we did it.

When I put on that white and purple dress and take my dad's arm it's gonna feel like the first time I've ever been walked down the isle because this time....my heart is coming with me.

We Made Lemonade

There's no bigger reality check than cleaning out a child's closet and passing on the clothes that no longer fit. It truly is amazing how fast life changes, how fast the world turns, how fast those little bundles of joy grow up, and how fast it can all change when you're not looking. You hear about it all the time. Just turn on CNN or listen to news radio and you'll hear about a car crash, a house fire, a shootout, a bad storm; something that, in one split second, changed a person's world forever. It's overwhelming and in thinking about it too much you run risk of living your life scared of the "worst case scenario." Reality is...life moves on and if you're one of the lucky ones who's averted true disaster you basically keep on going hoping all the (metaphoric) debris doesn't hit as it flies by.

So, I did it. I opened her closet and I started pulling the clothes off the hangers. I made a pile on her changing table. I heard her in the other room splashing in her bath water playing with her little bug-on-wheels making the "pttttttt" noise as she maneuvers it under the very few inches of water. With each onesie and each pair of pants came a memory. I remembered, on nearly each peice of clothes, who got it for her. I remembered how cute she looked when the little long-sleeved pink onesie that said "Little Girl, Big Dreams" was paired with a little miniature pair of jeans and tiny little sneakers. I remember how I didn't like the shirt with the big horse on it until I put it on her and she loved to play with the horse while riding in her carseat. The list went on and on. It was hard, putting it all into a box for the youngest of my neices to wear come fall. At that moment I heard a quiet "Momma?"...like she always does; predicting my tears at such a young age. "What baby?", I replied and I heard a tiny giggle.
Then it hit me, like a ton of bricks hurling at my chest...
"This won't last forever. God willing, I'll have her with me forever but these days won't last forever."

There's a time in every first-time mother's life that she truely believes the late night wake up calls and demanding motherly duties will never end. We, as mothers, start to believe that things will always be as tough as they are in the beginning. We even make ourselves believe we don't always l-o-v-e it. But when reality hits and we think it could all end someday, our hearts broke. And that's just what mine did.
It broke.
I stopped what I was doing and I sat in the rocking chair. The same rocking chair I used to sit in when I was pregnant. I wondered what it would be like to have a little baby in that room, rocking in that chair, sleeping in that crib, wearing all those clothes and now I can't imagine what it would be like without that baby to rock in that rocking chair, sleeping in that and wearing all those clothes. Her little shoes were sitting next to the crib and I thought, "oh, how things have changed?"

It was about that time I heard one of her "I'm ready for you to help me" whines and went into the bathroom. There she was, as naked as she was when she was born, standing up in the tub with her rubby ducky in hand grinning at me with the biggest smile she could manage. "Madison, don't stand in the tub," I demanded. "You could slip and fall." She reached for the edge and sat down in the water, all the while reaching out for me to pick her up.
"Give me cup so we can wash your hair," I said. She followed the command and we did the routine.
When I got her out and wrapped her up in a big, fuzzy towel she looked up at me and laughed.

She was happy.
Everything in her world was so great that she let out a laugh just to let me know "I may be getting big but we still have 'right now'."
I took her cue, gave her a hug, got her dressed and rocked her to sleep.

As she lay asleep in my arms I kissed her forehead and thanked God for everything he's given me.
There's not near enough people in the world who get feel as content, as blessed and as happy as I've been for the past two years.

And now I can say, with the help of those who love me the most, we made lemonade when we were handed lemons and I'm pretty proud of all of us for traveling down the rocky road and making it over the rainbow.

I couldn't have made it to this place in my life without the support I've had and there's no way I'd change any of it.

My Blessings Are Just Growing By Leaps and Bounds

I get to meet two very special little boys this weekend. They will forever change my family, my life, Madison's life and the world around them. They are my two little nephews and if they knew how many people were sitting around just waiting to see their faces and love them so much, they'd be as overwhelmed as I am now. My sister is having twins! That's right. Two little boys at the same time. They already have a big brother. He is strong and resiliant and teach them how to play in the dirt and get whatever they want from their Nana. But, more importantly, he will teach them how to love, learn and be a faithful man when they all grow up.

I am have many things to be thankful for and tomorrow my blessings will only grow.

I am so excited and can't wait to meet the little guys who've taken so long to get here!

Spaghetti Noodles

More than a year ago I sat down in a room with a crib, a changing table, a closet full of clothes and a rocking chair and said a little prayer. I asked for strength and guidance and a little bit of peace as I approached the day when I would meet my baby. I rubbed my stomach and silently made promises to my little Madison.

**I remember it....

I promise to protect you. For as long as you and God will let me, I will protect from all the pain and disappointment I can. I will make sure you smile every day and know we love you.

I promise to love your Daddy now matter what. I've wanted, more than anything, to always be a Mommy and it is because of him that dream came true. No matter what comes our way, your Daddy will always be the man I love.

I promise to let you teach you and guide you and let you learn from your mistakes.

I promise to introduce you to God but let you make your decision when you're old enough.**

Today, I got the pleasure of spending a very important day with my little girl. She's two seconds away from walking on her own. She's talking more and she knows what she wants when she wants it. She knows when I'm happy and when I'm sad. She's growing up so fast that I actually think that old cliche "I woke up one day and she was all grown up" is true. It's easy to lose focus of the meaning of all it in the middle of the night when she's crying for me or when I'm trying to have a nice quiet dinner and she won't sit still. It's all very overwhelming, more overwhelming than anyone really tells you when you're pregnant, but it's very important to let yourself realize what it's really about.

Today, we got home from a fun outing with my friend Karie. One of those days that started like any other normal day but ended as one of the best days of my life. I was rocking her to sleep while she wiggled and fussed in my arms. Then, she calmed down and reached up and touched my face with one of her little hands and whispered "Momma." I held her tight...as tight as I could without her hurting her...and said "I love you, Madi." She sat up in my lap, squeezed my nose and said "HOOOOONK" followed by her little, baby chuckle and I suddenly stopped caring about her bedtime. With the dim light from her nightlight as the only source of illumination we looked at each other and grinned.
She was happy.
She was content.
She pressed her head against my chest and grinned at me.

These moments are priceless and they don't happen often enough. Sometimes I wonder if I worry too much about bedtime routine and household chores. I wonder if I don't sit down enough. I worry that I don't "stop and smell the roses" enough. I need to slow down, enjoy these moments that, as the song says, "won't be like this for long." I worry what she'll remember about me if I'm not here tomorrow. I wonder what she'll learn from me and what she'll love most about me. I wonder what I'd be doing without her. I am afraid to think about what kind of life I'd have if things hadn't have happened (in my past) just the way they did.

I have friends who are working hard to buy a house; to plan ahead to their lives with children; to plan things so perfectly that they won't have any regrets; to take care of every detail so that when kids arrive things are in perfect order. I think planning is a wonderful idea, if I hadn't had my little "surprise" I don't know what I'd do. A funny thing happened the other day. I started to wonder why things have to be so hard for me and Justin.
Why can't things work out so we can get a house?
Why can't we ever get ahead?
Why do we work so hard just to pay bills, and thats it?

Then it hit me. God spoke to me loud and clear. I was pondering our "bad luck" when I thought...
"Everything in life has happened at it's own pace. I've wondered before why it took me so long to get from point A to point B. I've been frustrated more than I've been content but after it's over I'm always so glad it took so long. I once got upset about a guy who I dated for a very short time and thought the world of and when it fell through I wondered why he couldn't be the one. Then, quite a few months after we cut off contact, I was writing a news story about an investigation into a firefighter in trouble for having online relationships with teens...and guess who's name belonged to the firefighter?--that's right. The one I wanted it to work out with SO BAD."

After that thought I said to myself, "Ok God, I get it. It'll happen when it's supposed to happen."

So, for now we're just trying to get things taken care of. We're trying to be patient and work every last second we're not together. We're trying to keep our faith strong and our perspectives in check. We're trying to be happy and let things fall in place. We work hard. We spend little. We count pennies and we smile at each other when we find ourselves feeding Madison a full meal while we eat dry spaghetti noodles.
It's a hard, long road but when Madison touches my face and says "momma" after a day together I don't care about any of it.
Every sacrifice is worth it.
Bring on the dry spaghetti noodles.

My Perfect Life

Someone once asked me if I thought I was meant to do something great in life. The answer didn't come as quickly as I'd hoped. I supposed the question was meant to prompt a soul-searching journey ending in large revelations. I thought, maybe, the answer could be found in my head; in my memories. Memories of a fast-paced city life where I met friends and important people for martinis at high-prices restaurants before going home to an over-decorated, over-stuffed home filled with flowers and satin sheets. A world where my name appeared on the front page of everyone's newspapers, attached to stories that made people feel...
Happiness.
Love.
Sadness.
Sympathy.
Anger.
Protected.

I made a difference in that life. I was important to my chosen city, to my chosen friends.

I worked to find the answer in my prayers. Asking for guidance, strength and wisdom to find my way to self-assurance. To the self-righteous place where I knew I was doing exactly what I was meant to do. I read the Bible and listened to the preacher-man talk about the Man on the cross. He made people feel, from the pulpit he taught about sacrifice, love, sympathy, courage and honesty. I always envied his pulpit. When will I get my pulpit?

I turned to my family. They are, after all, the people who shaped me. It was their love that raised my heart and taught me to be me. I sat, silently, and watched my mom work. She did nothing for herself. She lived to make sure mouths were fed, backs were clothes, bellies were fed and bed were warm. I look up to her. I wonder if she knows that? My sister has become a mother. No surprise there. She always was in control. My brother has become a protector. No surprise ther either. He always has been driven by his heart. My dad is a man of few works and many thoughts.
Nothing less.
Nothing more.
The answer to my greater purpose doesn't rest in that little home buried deep in small-town America. I began to wonder: if I can't myself at home, then where can I find myself?

I already knew it was impossible to find anything at the bottom of a glass or bottle. No self-assurance lies in the last drag of a cigarette. Lets just leave those vises out of the discussion.

I long, painful stare in the mirror conjures up no answer. Except I am reminded of my lost hours of sleep by the long-gone youthful look that used to be found in my eyes. Oh yea--and my smile.

The oh-so familiar sound of my alarm clock breaks me from my thoughts. I used to able to make that hoise stop by the press of a button. No such luck anymore.
I rise.
Stand up.
Stretch.
One last glance over my shoulder to make sure my knight-in-shining armor is still peaceful in dreamland. I start on a short and routine walk down the hall and end up ina brightly decorated room that has become my favorite place in the world. Just beyong my reach lies a smiling face. A pair of eyes bluer than the deep reaches of the sea.
10 fingers.
10 toes.
and a dirty diaper.

All it takes is one split second. The twinkle in her eye. With diaper duty complete, we take one tiny moment in life to look at each other.

"Good morning, baby," I say.
She grins.
"Lets rock for a second," I say and she rests her head on my shoulder.
A wordless "thank you."

Am I doing what I meant to do?--that was the question, right?

If you look in her eyes, there's no doubt. I've never felt so certain as I did in my home, that morning, in that rocking chair looking at the best version of myself. You won't see my name on your front page when you wake up to read your paper. Y ou won't see me sipping over-priced martinis with important people. I'll never come home to anything over-decorated or over-stuffed and I'll never had my own pulpit.

Someone once asked me if that bothers me. I said, "No. I already have two things no one else can ever take."

1. Madison Haynes
2. Justin Haynes

And if you ask me, I need for nothing.
I hope for nothing more.
I envy for none.
I pray for those with less.

A Mother's Promise

I promise to always pray for you and do everything I can to protect you.
I promise to hug you and tell you I love you every morning and every night.
You will always have everything you need but I will know when to tell you no.
I promise to mend your heart when it breaks and hold your hand when you get lost.
I promise to teach you everything you need to know but let you have your own mind.
I will always love your Daddy and teach you the importance of commitment.
I promise to introduce you to God and show you how to always rely on him.
I will always encourage you to listen to your mind but follow your heart.
I will comfort you when you're sick, dry your tears when you're sad and soothe your fears when you're scared.
I promise you will always have a soft bed and a warm meal.
I will teach you how to wish on a star and blow out your birthday candles.
I promise to let you play in the rain and the snow.
We will make a mess if we need to and clean it up later.
I promise to teach you responsibility and the importance of self-reliance.
I will be a constant example of a friend, mother and wife so that someday you'll be prepared.
I will keep you happy and healthy and a create a world where you'll be loved and cared for.

These promises I make to you, my daughter.