Spaghetti Noodles

More than a year ago I sat down in a room with a crib, a changing table, a closet full of clothes and a rocking chair and said a little prayer. I asked for strength and guidance and a little bit of peace as I approached the day when I would meet my baby. I rubbed my stomach and silently made promises to my little Madison.

**I remember it....

I promise to protect you. For as long as you and God will let me, I will protect from all the pain and disappointment I can. I will make sure you smile every day and know we love you.

I promise to love your Daddy now matter what. I've wanted, more than anything, to always be a Mommy and it is because of him that dream came true. No matter what comes our way, your Daddy will always be the man I love.

I promise to let you teach you and guide you and let you learn from your mistakes.

I promise to introduce you to God but let you make your decision when you're old enough.**

Today, I got the pleasure of spending a very important day with my little girl. She's two seconds away from walking on her own. She's talking more and she knows what she wants when she wants it. She knows when I'm happy and when I'm sad. She's growing up so fast that I actually think that old cliche "I woke up one day and she was all grown up" is true. It's easy to lose focus of the meaning of all it in the middle of the night when she's crying for me or when I'm trying to have a nice quiet dinner and she won't sit still. It's all very overwhelming, more overwhelming than anyone really tells you when you're pregnant, but it's very important to let yourself realize what it's really about.

Today, we got home from a fun outing with my friend Karie. One of those days that started like any other normal day but ended as one of the best days of my life. I was rocking her to sleep while she wiggled and fussed in my arms. Then, she calmed down and reached up and touched my face with one of her little hands and whispered "Momma." I held her tight...as tight as I could without her hurting her...and said "I love you, Madi." She sat up in my lap, squeezed my nose and said "HOOOOONK" followed by her little, baby chuckle and I suddenly stopped caring about her bedtime. With the dim light from her nightlight as the only source of illumination we looked at each other and grinned.
She was happy.
She was content.
She pressed her head against my chest and grinned at me.

These moments are priceless and they don't happen often enough. Sometimes I wonder if I worry too much about bedtime routine and household chores. I wonder if I don't sit down enough. I worry that I don't "stop and smell the roses" enough. I need to slow down, enjoy these moments that, as the song says, "won't be like this for long." I worry what she'll remember about me if I'm not here tomorrow. I wonder what she'll learn from me and what she'll love most about me. I wonder what I'd be doing without her. I am afraid to think about what kind of life I'd have if things hadn't have happened (in my past) just the way they did.

I have friends who are working hard to buy a house; to plan ahead to their lives with children; to plan things so perfectly that they won't have any regrets; to take care of every detail so that when kids arrive things are in perfect order. I think planning is a wonderful idea, if I hadn't had my little "surprise" I don't know what I'd do. A funny thing happened the other day. I started to wonder why things have to be so hard for me and Justin.
Why can't things work out so we can get a house?
Why can't we ever get ahead?
Why do we work so hard just to pay bills, and thats it?

Then it hit me. God spoke to me loud and clear. I was pondering our "bad luck" when I thought...
"Everything in life has happened at it's own pace. I've wondered before why it took me so long to get from point A to point B. I've been frustrated more than I've been content but after it's over I'm always so glad it took so long. I once got upset about a guy who I dated for a very short time and thought the world of and when it fell through I wondered why he couldn't be the one. Then, quite a few months after we cut off contact, I was writing a news story about an investigation into a firefighter in trouble for having online relationships with teens...and guess who's name belonged to the firefighter?--that's right. The one I wanted it to work out with SO BAD."

After that thought I said to myself, "Ok God, I get it. It'll happen when it's supposed to happen."

So, for now we're just trying to get things taken care of. We're trying to be patient and work every last second we're not together. We're trying to keep our faith strong and our perspectives in check. We're trying to be happy and let things fall in place. We work hard. We spend little. We count pennies and we smile at each other when we find ourselves feeding Madison a full meal while we eat dry spaghetti noodles.
It's a hard, long road but when Madison touches my face and says "momma" after a day together I don't care about any of it.
Every sacrifice is worth it.
Bring on the dry spaghetti noodles.